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Angels In My Hair – The Secret Code While Dating a Sociopath

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This is an old post that I wrote in 2015. But I took it down, as I didn’t want to glamourise being in a relationship with a sociopath as my datingasociopath.com website is about healing and recovery for victims of abuse. But it is a true story. Of a woman and a man who picked up a book, he on a plane, and she at a book shop in a train station. When they met he handed her the book, and she was so surprised, perhaps it would keep her in the relationship far longer than she should have.

Each time, when the narcissistic rage occurred. When I am sure the devil himself was in him. The colour drained from his skin, eyes jet black, veins up on his neck and the atmosphere in the room was dark, heavy – and I was scared – I would shout ‘STOP ANGELS IN MY HAIR’…. each time it stopped. It was so strange. It was like a code word, this has gone too far.

In 2015 after we split – I had an Akashic reading, who was this man to me, and was there a past life connection? The answer was impactful, she said that he was an ancient monad soul, much older than me. That he did not need to be on earth this lifetime, but he had came to help me. Strange thing is, despite the psychological mind trip of those years I knew in my soul it was true. I cried. I never saw him in the same light again. The reading said how he did not know who he really was, as our memories are wiped at birth.

Even odder – is that while I did not understand at the time – my training and knowledge gained during those years would in fact many years later protect me. In a way more significant than many could ever know.

Angels in my hair

It was March 2010, that I was sat on a train station and realised with dismay that I had missed the train. I sighed as I realised that the next train wouldn’t be along for at least another hour.

I wandered to the book store at the edge of the railway station, and after picking up some snacks for the journey, I was pulled towards the book department. The books were neatly displayed in sections of topical interest. I felt drawn to the section that had a sign above in bold print ‘spiritual’. It was here that I would buy a book, which would have a deep impact on me.

I didn’t really know what it was that I was looking for, but I did remember that once I was told in spiritual church, that angels will help you to find the book that you need to read. I was drawn towards a book by Lorna Byrne, called Angels in my hair.

After making my purchase at the till, where the assistant smiled warmly at me, I headed towards the train platform, keen not to miss the next train.

The journey to Manchester felt like a long one. To pass the time, I started to read the book. It was March 2010. At this point in my life, I had not met either the Narcissist or the Sociopath. My daughter had died at birth 2 months earlier.. I was sad, as anybody would be at that time of their life, but I was also still living innocent.

As I read the first few chapters, I knew that this was a book that I was meant to own. The book had a strong impact on me, within the first few chapters, the author described her life, one of a person that from childhood, could see angels. She described a life where until the age of five, she played with a little boy that she presumed was her brother. She watched as her brother often sat on her mother’s lap, while she rested in front of the fire place. Lorna noted how her brother appeared brighter than other people, full of light, but as a small child, never questioned why. Lorna was surprised to learn, at the age of 5, that the little boy she had played with, was not alive, and was actually her brother who had died shortly after birth.

As a mother who had recently lost a daughter at birth, this book struck a strong emotional cord with me. I held it tight, and felt that it was perhaps something that I was meant to read. Maybe it was telling me something, that perhaps there was more to the life than what we see.

I never really read the whole book. For some reason, it was as if those first few chapters, were the important pages, which sent a message to me. My daughter was still around me, even if I couldn’t see her. I returned from Manchester, and put the book safely away in a drawer next to my bed.

I hadn’t thought about this book too much, although the message had stayed with me. It was almost two years later, when the man that I had met, who I thought was the love of my life, moved quickly into my home.

I hadn’t mentioned the book, or its significance to me, so I was surprised, when, after unpacking his suitcases, he approached me, as I sat on the sofa in my kitchen, and said softly, ‘I have something for you, it is a book, I think you might like it’. He held out his hand, and as I looked at the book, I froze. It was the same book. Angels in my hair. He told me how he had picked it up and read it on a plane.

I ran upstairs to check if my copy of the book was still in the drawer, in the bedside table, next to the bed. It was. I looked at the man in front of me, and explained the significance of this book, at that moment, there was a connection between us that was felt, not just in the heart, but in the soul.

Unbeknown to me, this book, Angels in my hair, would diffuse many difficult situations, with the man that I at that point in my life, had no idea was actually a compulsive pathological liar, and a sociopath.

Whenever things became really bad, I would yell ‘STOP, ANGELS IN MY HAIR’. Each time, he would be still, pause, and not always stop the behaviour, but the behaviour would be tamed.

I didn’t know when he handed me that book that a year later, I would begin to write a blog, called Dating a Sociopath. I could hardly believe that datingasociopath.com was a free website, and that somebody else hadn’t taken it. I immediately paid for the name, and began to write. At that point in my life, in February 2013. I knew who he was, and he knew who he was too. We had spent the previous eight months, reading books from the library, researching, watching YouTube videos. My mother even bought me Without Conscience by Robert Hare for my birthday.

Throughout 2013, the sociopath in my life, was probably beyond crazy. He stalked me, harassed me, threatened me, and made my life hell. Not that readers of this site would have known this. The police were called, probably three times a week to my home. No contact didn’t really work, as if I ignored him, the texts/calls would escalate, until he was outside shouting and yelling outside of my home. I was almost evicted for anti-social behaviour. Life was spinning out of control.

I realised that it was pointless, and futile to raise his behaviour with him. So, instead, I would write posts, knowing that he would read it, and hoping that perhaps the message would get through (it was worth a shot, I loved him). This became the foundation of my website. A blog, which was writing to the person in my life, explaining how his behaviour looked to me, and what the impact of his behaviour was on me, and how it made me feel.

The strangest thing, is this. During 2013, I would constantly be locked out of my email, Facebook etc., as he hacked into my accounts. My life was hell, and I lived my life in 2013, as I recluse, barely seeing anyone, and just writing this site, writing posts to him. In a desperate attempt to help him to change.  Sociopaths do not have too much respect, as was evident by his hacking into my Facebook, and Email accounts. I had changed my password so many times, that I would lock myself out, as I struggled to keep up and remember new passwords. Yet, despite this, despite that I wrote with honesty about his behaviour, he always respected this website, and would never do anything to harm it.

If ever he complained, (as sociopaths like to be private), I would simply say the words to him Angels in my hair…. And he would pause, and simply say ‘ok’.

Perhaps, this book was just a coincidence, maybe which happens a lot, two people have the same book? Maybe? I do know that I had never mentioned my copy of the book, or its significance to me, before he handed me his copy. I also know, that it is the one connection between us, which has enabled him to accept that I wrote about his behaviour, and would continue to do so.

I often wonder, ‘was I meant to meet him?’ did our time together have a purpose? Whenever things became difficult between us (which was often), I would say the phrase, Angels in my hair, and always he would stop, pause, and rethink his behaviour.

Within ¾ months of writing, I was shortlisted for Cosmopolitan blogger of the year. I was asked to be on Huffington Post Live, twice. Within 2 years, this site had attracted 1.5 million readers in over 250 countries around the world.

This is the origins of this website. A person who was writing to her sociopath partner. It was easier than trying to have a conversation about it. Always he would be angry, deflect, blame me, and say ‘well what about?’… Something irrelevant. I never intended it to be a popular website, although I felt a strong pull to write. I couldn’t stop writing.

In 2014, I gave him another chance, and took him back into my life. In my mind, I wondered, as his behaviour patterns continued, I wondered if I could have him in my life, and write about his behaviour. After all, isn’t that how journalists work? They go to war, to report on war stories. Besides this, despite his behaviour, which I knew all about, I loved him. I was not the Sociopath, with fickle emotions. This was a man that I loved, with all of my heart. Probably, the greatest love of my life. I am the type of woman, who is used to adverse behaviour, I don’t expect perfection. Probably I would be bored with a man, that was perfect, ‘who is perfect anyway?’ Perhaps I liked the challenge. Or maybe I saw something other than the behaviour. There was something about us, some pull, and a connection, that I cannot explain, or understand. It was beyond Sociopath manipulation, and mind control. Of which he did this too. This was a spiritual connection, which was felt, not just in my heart, but in my soul.

We finally split in January 2015. His controlling behaviour had become too much. It hadn’t worked, me writing and being with him. In fact, quite the reverse, it became impossible to write, as he controlled me, and my mind so much, I shut down, and couldn’t write any more. I felt numb, dead inside, and had nothing left to offer, or give. I had nothing to give to myself, let alone anyone else. I sank into depression, and felt terrible, for not continuing with my work here. I developed writers block with this site, and struggled to write here. I have so many posts in draft form, but were never published. I had fear of WordPress that I couldn’t shake off. So, I would write regularly on the Facebook page, but not here.

Earlier this year, I decided that writing was in my past. That I needed to focus on my own healing and recovery, and thought I would look for a job in the real world. I soon obtained a job, and began working with a fantastic team of people. It was great being back in the work place again, as it is isolating, being at home and writing. I really enjoyed it. But in my heart, I was pulled back to writing, and felt that there is work that I still need to do.

I know that this is very long. Many people had questioned, ‘how could I write, and the sociopath know about it and not try to destroy the site?’ the answer – is simply – Angels in my hair.

True story – All rights reserved datingasociopath.com 2015

When you are guided to exactly where you need to be. Synchronicity. When spirit guides you.

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Today I went to museum of the mind. What a fascinating place i had never been there before. Yesterday I had driven past and saw a blue sign on the gate. In neat print it said Museum of the mind, open Wednesday 10 to 12.30pm. I had an overwhelming feeling I needed to visit.

I had barely entered the building when an older man with kind eyes came to speak to me. I had the feeling I knew him well. His eyes in particular looked so familiar.

I said I feel I know you from somewhere, but I don’t know where?

He told me how he had worked at Stoke Park mental hospital. I said how I had became interested in mental health. About my work with homeless.

He said how fascinating it was to talk to me. I felt like I was like talking to someone I had known forever. I had no clue who this elderly man 👴 was.

We had cup of tea and and a long conversation that could have continued for hours but realising the time and that I had not yet seen the museum, i thanked him and continued on my tour of the building.

It was an amazing place that blew me away. I could have stayed there for hours. Opening times were restricted, it only opened for 2.5 hours.

I knew it was time to leave when i could hear staff saying their goodbyes. i approached the man to say goodbye. My meeting with him had felt significant. I wanted to thank him for his time…..

As he looked at me.. BOOM.. in my head i heard “his name is John”.. like a doorway was opened I suddenly knew who he was. A man who 30 years earlier had dark hair, I thought at the time he looked like Mr Rigsby from Rising Damp. I had not seen this person for 30 years. He was the manager of the team in youth homeless where i worked as a teen 1985-7. This was my first real job. I remembered his name, what he smoked, his life he talked about from 30 years ago, As vividly as if he had told me 10 mins earlier. I remembered our work together.

Back then there was no duty for homeless people. There was no central housing register. We had to apply to each individual housing association. A long task. There was no safeguarding. No joint agency working. Little rules or regulations. Part 7 of the 1996 Housing Act of course did not exist. We worked from our heart as a team.

We would leaflet houses in the area. Walking the streets to see if we could get a room for someone in their house. There was no other provision. Only what we created.

But… i had no time to talk further. The museum was now closing. I said my goodbyes and he said please do come visit us again soon.

Yesterday i was questioning my work…. how operating from my heart sometimes gets me into trouble.

Today I remembered who I truly am. Why I do what I do.

Synchronicity is it really is a wink from the universe when you need it most?

Max Ehrmann 1920 desiderata

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desiderata – by max ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann c.1920

In times of austerity – LOVE!!

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Many people are being hit hard by Governments who are suffering austerity cutbacks, for an economy collapse which was not created by you. Yet you are the ones who are paying the price.

In the UK, the Government are attacking the poor the sick and the disabled. This is something that I thought I would never see. I never thought I would see such a greedy Government in power.  

You see, I have spent the last 3 years of my life, going through shock. I had PTSD caused by a horrific event in early 2010. It has been slow recovery. It wasn’t until March this year 2013, that I woke up and had connection to the outside world. News, politics, the world. Prior to this, for 3 years, it didn’t exist.

Imagine that, 3 years of your life with no connection to the outside world? You come back, and there is a new Government in power. You take time to take in what has been happening in the last three years. 

Here in the UK, the  poor, the sick, the disabled are being targeted to pay for the mistakes of the bankers.There is a new Government in power and more than 75% of them are millionaires. There are cuts to those in need, and tax benefits to millionaires for greed. 

It is a time of my life, that I have been told was coming. A time that i was preparing for. But also, it is a time, which for me, was quite alarming. 

I would say that I felt 3 things as I started to wake up to a new world. Which wasn’t like this in 2009. I felt three main emotions immediately – 

Alarm, Distress, Fear

As I took in what was happening, I could see, that the Government were ruling with fear. That people were scared. People were scared they were going to lose homes, they were scared they were going to lose jobs (and then lose their homes) …… So many people, are right now, fuelled by hatred, anger and fear. 

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Do you know the best way to overcome the austerity measures? It is through love. Just find love in your heart, and if you feel fear, get rid of the fear and replace it with love. 

Remember, that nothing can harm you. Nothing will hurt you. If something is difficult and challenging, it is only a time of growth. That is all that it is.

It is time for people to wake up. To be awake. To be fully conscious. To see the scams and the trickery that happens in politics. How money is no longer distributed for the wealth of all. Instead, money is made for the elite greedy few. Whilst others struggle to survive and constantly live in fear. 

Our countries are in debt? Did we, the people choose to go to war? Did we? Did we the people cause the banking crisis? No the people didn’t choose it. Yet it is the people who are suffering and paying. 

In the last world wars, people got through those times, by love. By sharing the love, by helping each other and by unity. That is the spirit that got people through. 

We all are one. We all are united. Those that invest all of their focus onto money and greed and materialism, are focusing on the wrong thing. We have all that we need inside of ourself. 

We are love. You are love. Love – will always overcome fear! 🙂 

Pull together, give, love, share. By giving, loving and sharing, you will help yourself!! 

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How I ‘see’ what does this mean?

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I have never really worked to ‘be a medium’ or anything like this. I just do my work, wherever life takes me. the last 10 year and for most of my life, this has been with homeless people, people who were homeless and vulnerable.
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I am very lucky in that I have experienced walking side by side with some of the most incredible people. I could help women in domestic violence situation in the morning, and work with mental health in the  afternoon, the next day I could be counselling someone with drug issues in the morning, and working on child protection in the afternoon. This was my work. It is pretty much all that I have done.

I have had no formal training to be a medium, but these two stories are true life events that happened to me recently.

The first I was talking to someone online. It wasn’t someone that I knew in real life. I saw in my mind, a little girl. She was around 8 years old. I still have that picture of her in my mind. She had long blond hair with a fringe. I saw her playing with a hula hoop. She was swirling it around her. She was smiling. I had the feeling she had died in a road traffic accident.

As I am not a medium and I didn’t know this woman particularly well, it scared me to tell her what I was feeling. What if she told me I was wrong? But the feeling didn’t go away. So, I described the little girl, and told her what she looked like. I said, I am really sorry to say this, but I just feel that she might have died in a road traffic accident. I told her about the hula hoop she was playing with. She looked very happy.

And the woman replied ‘oh yes, this is my sister, she was run over. My father reversed around the corner into her, whilst she was playing outside.She is around me often, my favourite photo is of me and her playing with hula hoops, it sits in a frame on my fireplace‘….. (she later confirmed that her sister was indeed 8 years old and with long blond hair when she died).

I was stunned…..

Another time, I was sat in my house, and I was waiting for somebody to come to see me. He had promised that he would be back at 11pm. He didn’t show. As I sat on my sofa, I saw a long banner, flashing saying WARNING and I had a strong feeling that he was in danger of going down a drug pathway.

I didn’t know who he was with. He was doing music, and wanted to make it writing music. The feeling was so strong, I texted him ‘I do not know who you are with, but please go careful, you are in danger of going down a drug pathway‘

He eventually did show up at my house the next morning. With a man. Who he said was a music producer. As the conversation unfolded, I was stunned to learn that the man was a man who:

  • Used heroin and crack cocaine
  • Sold Ketamine

Another time more recently, last week. I was on a message board, for support, and somebody posted there. She was asking for help. other people attacked her, but i could see exactly what she was writing and I knew for sure that she had a difficult life. I was going to ask her if she worked with people? I felt so sure that she might be spiritual, that I gave her details to this website.

She wrote back to me. What i was seeing was right….. and not only this, she had a page here too, also spiritual, and she told me how she had trained as a medium, and  most of her friends were spiritual?????

I don’t know how I knew, but she shone through. I could see she was a lightworker, who needed help.

Another time, I was in a group where there was a woman, who on a thread asking how people felt, wrote one word. I can’t even remember what the word was. I saw a banner flash in red DANGER WARNING DANGER, I knew that she was in trouble. She said that she thought that her husband would kill her. She believed that he had killed his ex partner and served time in jail. I felt overwhelmingly that she needed help. I reached out, and although she was in USA, I passed details of local DV support units. She didn’t contact them, and her fear continued. I don’t know how I knew, but I knew that this woman wouldn’t be alive for long. One day, I saw on her wall, that she had died. Only a few weeks later. It turned out that her husband hadn’t killed her. She had died of a heart attack. Perhaps he had in his own way, maybe stress can do that to you? I don’t know…..

I wish I knew how these things happened. They are the only two i can think of off of the top of my head. I guess, i hope that somebody will read these messages and help me to make sense of what I am describing?

My first meditiation

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It was 2004 when I did my first meditation. Right then, yet again, I had came out of another disastrous relationship, this time with an alcoholic, who drank a lot because his brother had been graphically murdered. 

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When our relationship ended I felt drained. So, I heard in my head ‘go to church’ over and over, eventually I did. At that point, I didn’t really know what to expect from the spiritualist church. I didn’t know what they did. I knew that I was spiritual. It probably sounds really silly now, but when I realised that there was a medium taking the class it scared me a bit.

It was an alien experience and the person who took the class had a lot of ego (to me there is no ego with spirit). Anyway we sat in circle and I was full of apprehension, what would happen now?

The teacher said that we would do a meditation. At that time in my life, I barely sat still for longer than five minutes, let alone to sit still with my eyes closed for half an hour.

But i was determined to give it a try.  And so I sat, closed my eyes after focusing on the flowers in the centre of the circle. To be honest, I didn’t really expect anything to  happen. What did, I will never forget.  My eyes were closed, and I sat with my feet on the floor, suddenly, there were faces coming at me, the only way that I can describe this, was like the constant flash of light of a camera going off, one after the other bang bang bang heading towards me. 

I was scared, I didn’t know what was happening. I got up to walk away (I must have been deep as I didn’t physically get up) as I got up, I suddenly had a long black cloak on, that had a hood, and I could feel pulling on the hood of my cloak to pull me back. 

At that moment I felt a burning sensation in the centre of my forehead. Which felt like a thumb pressing down hard in the middle of my forehead right above where the middle part of my eyes were. 

It was such an intense sensation. When I got home, I felt sick. Really sick. I didn’t understand why or really what had just happened? 

At that time, I belonged to an internet forum called ‘butterfly and angels spiritual heaven’ I knew that on that site were mediums, and I went there to ask what had happened to me, and why I felt so sick? 

They asked me if I had done grounding work, roots into the floor? I said no I hadn’t. So they told me what to do. I visualised roots going down through my feet until they clicked back into the ground. I felt better and no longer felt sick. 

I have never really talked about this with anybody and what happened that day has never happened again. But, what has happened is that whenever I was in a situation which was part of my work, if i was working with a vulnerable client, i would feel the pressing in the middle of my forehead, and I would say things to people to help them. I never knew how I knew to say exactly the right thing. But I did. And a lot of people said how they opened up to me, in a way that they hadn’t before. 

I wish that I knew what had happened that day. If anybody reads this and can explain to me, that would be wonderful,I am presuming that this was my third eye opening?  🙂 

The power of NOW stay with the present! Love yourself, Share the LOVE!!

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The most important thing to do, when having power of the mind, is to stay with the present. Many people find this difficult to do. You worry about what will happen tomorrow, and worry about events from the past.

stay with the present

When you do this, you lose today. You lose right now. Only right now. Right at this second. Right at this moment is your life.

You might wonder ‘when will my life get better’? or ‘when will get over this’? ‘when will things improve’? If you are wondering those things, you are wasting your life. Because the only time that you have power over, is right now, right at this second.

Only right now, right at this second, do you have power to change.

If you feel sad, try to distract your mind. Do something small right now, to make you feel better. Try to focus on right now. By staying with the present, you become in full control of your life. And therefore in better control, of making better life plans for the future.

There is no magical place, in the future when things will get better, it is now. As this is all that you have power over.

One of the biggest reasons for stress, anxiety, is being in a situation that you feel is out of your control. It can feel overwhelming. But the truth is, in most every day circumstances, you have the power right now, to be how you want to be, to feel how you want to.

It is up to you whether you choose to be happy or sad. You can change your mind in an instant. The power and the choice is yours.

If you are feeling low. Do something NOW which YOU enjoy. Don’t worry about the future. Or sit in reflection on the past. You cannot change the past. You can shape the future, but it has not happened yet. Why waste today? And the joy that you could experience today, by focusing on joy that might, or might not happen tomorrow?

Have something nice to eat, go for a walk, see something beautiful, be that, architecture, art, wildlife, see the beauty that is all around you. Have a candle lit bath, indulge yourself. If you are feeling low, now is the time, to put extra effort into recharging your energy.

By focusing on what might happen in the future, or sitting in reflection of the past, you are wasting your life. Because life, your life, is simply now. Right now, right as you are reading this, at this very second. This is you.

Be with the present, take control of your life, focus on now, and you will learn that the secret of true happiness really does come from within.

Love is life. So love yourself. Love your life right now. And if you are not loving it, then do something which makes you love it. Focus your energy  onto yourself. See the beauty of you, and all that is around you. Start to love yourself, and love life again.

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Positive thinking – The EASY way!! :)

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think positive

We often see the words ‘you are what you think’ or ‘change your thinking change your world’, many people look at this, and even post these words on posters on their Facebook wall. They know the words, but quite simply they do not know how to achieve this.

You are responsible for you. There is no ‘fate’ or ‘destiny’ waiting to take you away to a better life. Only you can do this yourself. And if you do nothing, and sit and wait for things to ‘get better’ things will remain the same. Why is this? It is quite simply because your mind and how you think, controls your life.

Life is complicated. And it is made even more complicated by us, as humans. You should simplify your life. Remember, that realistically, we are just thought. When we are in spirit, thought is all that we are. We quite literally are ‘what we think we are’ life is all about perception, how we perceive it to be. Sometimes we get lost and stuck. The reason for this is because we are making life far too complicated.

So, I promised to tell you, the easiest way to achieve positive thinking.  It is so simple, that you will kick yourself for not realising it yourself.

You need to realise that there are only two real emotions.

  1. Love
  2. Fear

At this point, you will be ready to argue with me, and say but no, there is this or this or this. I want you to hear me out. Whatever emotion you can think of, EVERY single emotion, will come back to either – love – or fear.

As an example, lets use the word ‘envy’. Envy is fear. Why is envy fear? Envy is fear because we fear that this person has more than we have, we fear that we are  not as good as this person, we fear that if this person has so much, there will not be enough for us, we fear that this person is better than us, and therefore this makes us feel insignificant ourselves.

So, how do we change that feeling of envy, which is a negative emotion, into one which is positive? We do it, simply by removing the fear. So if you feel envious or jealous of someone. Remove the fear, replace the fear with love. Get a pen and paper and write it down if it helps.

I want you to get a piece of paper, and write down everything that makes you feel envy for this person Harry. This is fictitious, so, I will say the following:

  • I am jealous of Harry, he is better looking than me
  • He has a better job than me, is more successful
  • He is financially more secure than me
  • He has a loving caring support unit around him
  • He is popular

Now take each of those sentences and ask yourself – ‘where is the fear’  write it down.

For example:

  • I am scared that compared to him, I don’t look as attractive – and he will get all the women.
  •  You fear is that a) you wont look so attractive compared to him and b) you fear that he will get all the women, leaving none for you.

So, what i want you to do now… is change those statements. Remove your fear. Because you are focusing on HIM and not on YOU. I want you to change this statement, and to replace the fear with love – So, for example.

  • Harry is a good looking guy, he attracts a lot of women, that’s great for me, as he can’t possibly date them all.
  • He brings quite a few fit women into our circle. Other women are attracted to me, because I hang out with Harry.
  • I feel great about myself and I know that there are women who will love me for me. If Harry only attracts women who go for looks, well those are not the type i want anyway. And this leaves more for me.
  •  I want a woman who will love me, even when I have woken up early in the morning, after lack of sleep the night before. I want a woman who will never say to me ‘oh what have you done to your hair’

Now try the other examples, take away the fear, and replace it with love. Either use those examples, or choose real situations in your life. Think of things that are causing you anxiety, or stress.  Think of something that is making you feel negative. It can be anything at all.

Whatever your situation is, whatever your thinking is, whatever your problem is. Take a piece of paper. Write your problem down on paper. Write down your fear, then remove the fear and replace it with a loving feeling. Replace it with love.

That is the easiest way to think positively. When you think positively you attract positivity into your life. The more positive you have, the more you attract.

It might seem difficult at first, but the more you practice, the easier it will become and soon it will be second nature. And you will attract people towards you, because you will be a happy, positive soul who people love to be around. You will succeed. And you will be happy.

Try it and see!!

A lesson to stop living in the past – and to appreciate what I have today.

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I had moved house at the end of 2009, It was a big move, as I had lived in my old house for 15 years. I owned my old house, and it was our family home. I had spent years complaining that my old house needed repair and that I wanted to move. But found it difficult to sell (I later learned that it was a house number 16, which is a house of karmic debt, but I will write about this at another time)

I moved house to provide a better home for my baby. It’s ironic, that i wouldn’t do this for me. But I would for my baby. To give her a better life. But as I finished the last piece of furniture lovingly placed into the house, my baby died. Right at the end of pregnancy.

So, I was left in a beautiful home – for me.

But, it was rented. It must have been a year later, and I was sat in my house, wishing that i hadn’t sold my house. I had forgotten so many things, and was not feeling grateful for what I now had.

I had felt this way for weeks. I couldn’t shake off the feeling. An old friend contacted me saying that “he was going out for the day, did I want to go with him”? I said, “why not” and agreed to go. In the back of the car, I was complaining how I missed my old house. I had known him for years, and he looked back at me, with a stern look and said “I can’t believe you  are moaning about your old house, you complained for years that you wanted to move and get out, as you couldn’t do the repairs”.

I had sold the house to his friend. So, he told me “you haven’t lost a lot, as by the time he did the house up, he didn’t make any money, it brought him no luck as he split with his fiance who he bought the house with, and it took him more than a year to sell” He told me how lucky I was to have sold it. And reminded me that even with specialist skills, he found it difficult to sell.

I did listen to what he had to say, and it had some effect.

Later that day I returned home, and went to the garage. I had boxes in there that still hadn’t been unpacked. In the box, there was a box of CD’s and another box of photographs. I was overjoyed to have my personal possessions back. Things that meant so much to me.

On the top of the box of music, there was two tapes. Only two. I assumed that the rest must have been in the car that was stolen. I brought the tapes into the house. i pressed play…. and was stunned to hear a reading from 2004 with a medium. I could hear me on the tape saying how I wanted to move house, and how unhappy I was. I listened to the tape in amazement, especially after the conversation that morning, and how i had been feeling the past few weeks.

I wondered what was on the second tape. Put it into the stereo and again, pressed play…. and again i was stunned. It was another reading with a medium. In all of my life, I had only ever had two readings, with two mediums on tape. I was almost open mouthed as I listened…. again, there was discussion how much work I had to do on the house, and how I wanted to move. How I so needed help to do the work. And how i needed help to move.

As I sat and I listened, I looked around my beautiful brand new home, and I felt at peace. I had no reason to complain. I had spent years of my life complaining about my home. How I wanted a home which needed no repair. How I had this idea of the perfect house in my head. And… well here I was.

And for the first time in a year, I saw things differently.

I needed a reminder. I needed to be reminded, to be taken back to the past to see, to have value for what I have now. How lucky I am.

From that point onwards. I never again complained about where I live.

A grandfathers spiritual love!!

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We do not, on the earth plane, when contained by our bodies, really appreciate or understand the feeling of someone else’s love.

spiritual love

The only way that we know, is by how someone treats us. By how we feel about ourselves when we are with them. By them telling us that they love us. But we can never actually FEEL their love.

My grandfather had died in 1996. I loved him with all of my heart, and he meant so much to me. 8 years after his death, I had started to attend spiritualist church. To sit in circle and do meditation. In meditation, we go to our secret garden, and here we can meet with spirit.

My grandfather was often there, in the garden. He loved gardening, and I left him to tend to my garden. I was happy for him to be there.

This particular meditation, I sat under a tree in my meditation, in my garden, with my grandfather. It is the only time that this has happened. And what i experienced, I will never forget.

I had been feeling lonely and isolated. And just felt quite lost, and alone in life. As I sat there with my grandfather, I actually FELT his love. I felt it as if he was speaking it. It washed over me. It was an incredible feeling. I FELT HIS LOVE…. a warm sensation of love…. it was like being in love, but it wasn’t my love, it was his love for me, I actually felt it, like somebody throwing it all over me, engulfing me, it felt warm, nice, secure. It was pink….a warm bright pink, it was beautiful, i could see it, sense it feel it.   Never have I ever actually felt someone else’s love. I was blown away, for I had no idea that he loved me so much, or so deeply. No words, and no actions he could have offered on this earth plane, had ever let me know just how much.

It made me realise that in spirit, we are love. Our souls are made up of love. And it also made me realise that in spirit, there are no secrets. There are  no games. For we can actually feel how someone else feels. I mean really feel it, as if it were my own.

I know, that I can write about this, but it still impossible to explain. Unless you have experienced it yourself. What a gift… just for a short time, to experience that depth of love, from somebody who meant so much to me. I can only imagine it must have took a lot of his energy, as although it meant so much to me, it never happened again.

Maybe, it was enough. He just needed me to know, exactly HOW MUCH he loved me.

It was a very special experience. Something I wish everyone could feel, at least once in this lifetime. And an experience that I will never forget.

How we connect in dreams

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We are all connected. When we sleep, we return home to spirit. In spirit, in our sleep,  we agree how we will help each other on the earth plane.

Following stillbirth in January 2010, I had returned back to work at the beginning of June 2010. I returned to work, and people were surprised at how ‘normal’ I seemed. However, the truth was, that I was still in shock, and I hadn’t grieved at all.

Every Tuesday, I continued to go to the spiritualist church and sit in meditation. I think, at the time, for me, I was just going to visit my daughter. I saw this as ‘normal’.

However, a few weeks after starting work, I went to church and was stunned to walk in through the church door, and there in front of me, was a man (who was usually part of the circle), holding a real live baby girl. I stood, and looked, shocked and stunned,tears rolled down my face. I couldn’t believe what i was seeing. I walked out in tears. And when I returned home, I called my mother. I yelled ‘my baby is dead, mum, my baby is dead’. My mum tried to calm me down,  it was my very first realisation, that my daughter was actually dead. She wasn’t alive.

It took me a few weeks to gain the courage to return to the church. When I did, I spoke to the person taking the class, and I said, how selfish I thought the man was to bring his live baby girl in, when my daughter was dead. It was the only time that I could see her. He could see his daughter whenever he wanted. I could only see my daughter in meditation. I told her how much it had upset me, and that I cried so much since that day.

The class leader sat across from me, and looked, with a sympathetic face, and simply said ‘but Nikki, he has helped you, you see you have not grieved, and he has done this to help you. One day you will thank him for this. It was kind of him to offer his daughter to help you to grieve’ . I looked at her, and thought that she had gone quite mad. She really didn’t understand.

I asked her to explain further. And she explained how we often meet up in dreams, to help each other. And obviously, he had agreed to offer his daughter, to help me to grieve.

I thought that she was quite mad. I didn’t see how this could be true at all. But later, in my life, other events were to happen, which showed me how we go to spirit in our dreams. She was also right, from that point on, I began to grieve my daughter. 6 months after she had died.

Magpies and dreams 

It had taken a lot for me to go into another relationship. For me to trust somebody. It was now the end of July 2010, on the weekend of the 6 month anniversary of my daughters death. The relationship came to an end. I was absolutely devastated. I had decided, because of the way that he had treated me, to have nothing further to do with him.

That night, I sat on my bed in my room, which was at the top of a three storey house. I tried to write a text, to say goodbye, and day turned to night. I wrote text after text, but nothing felt right to send. I kept writing this text, and hours passed. I was suddenly startled by a ‘tap tap tapping’ noise. My concentration was broken, and I looked to see what the noise was. I stared at my bedroom window,where the noise was coming from, and could barely believe my eyes.  There was a single magpie tapping its beak at the window. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and stared, it ceased tapping and flew away. I looked at the clock, it was 4am. As I believed that a single magpie was a bad omen, I threw the phone down onto the bed, and decided not to send the text. After all, a single magpie, was bad luck, right?

Whilst I slept, I had the most vivid dream. The person that I was ending the relationship, that I had been writing a text to, was in my dream. His face was so very very vivid, and he held out his hand to me, smiled, and said just the words ‘trust me’. I glanced at my bedside clock, it was 8am. Although I had gone to sleep really angry and upset. I woke up and felt full of love for him. All my anger had gone. I just felt love.

As incident at the spiritualist church, was only a few weeks before, I was pretty stunned.  However, my heart sank slightly when I later heard from him, that he had got home from the party at 11am.

‘Ah’ I said aloud to myself, well it couldn’t have been him, as he was out, and didn’t return home until later.

Later that day, I spoke to a friend who was also at the party. And I told her about the dream, but ended the conversation with, ‘well it couldn’t have been him, as he was out until 11am’ ….. ‘but, it felt so real’ I said. My friend was staring back at me.

‘What’? I said. She paused…. ‘Nikki’ she said. ‘It is true, he was out with us, and we didn’t get back until 11am. However, he had gone to sleep in the van, between 4am and 8am, and we were banging on the van window to wake him, we couldn’t wake him and so, yes, at the time you were asleep, so was he’.

I had also gone to sleep at 4am and woke at 8am.

Connecting to others in dreams

A months later, when the relationship once again ended. He had ended it, and said he would never speak to me again. I was once again devastated. I was also confused. As why did he come to me in the dream? Why the magpie tapping at the window, if we were not meant to be together? I was so confused, and so desperately wanted answers. Was he the right man for me, or not? If he wasn’t then why the dream?

So, that night I sat up, and tried to research about how we connect in dreams. But I could find little by using google to search the internet. At 5.30am, I was tired and fell asleep. Before I went to sleep, I said to aloud ‘Dear Angels, if it is true about our connections in dreams, please take me to HIM in my dream’.

I woke at 8am the next morning, and glanced at my phone. And there were 8 texts. Bleary eyed, I opened the messages. I was left open mouthed, by what I was reading. 8 texts had been left by him.

‘Please contact me, I have had the most vivid dream last night’

‘You were in my dream last night, me and you, there was a house, and a church, and we were so happy, we were going to get married’

‘I love you, I am so sorry I hurt you. You are the right person for me’

‘I can’t believe this dream, you were right in front of me, it felt so real’

All 8 texts said things of a similar nature. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. As I knew that he didn’t know that I had asked the angels to take me to him in my dreams.

Wake up a baby is born!

8 months after my daughter died, my daughter became pregnant with a little girl. She was born in July 2011. My daughter didn’t want me at the birth. She felt it would be easier if I wasn’t there. I was upset by this, but respected her wishes, as I knew that my own daughter had died the year before in the same maternity ward.

My daughter had been sick in pregnancy, and had been on crutches. She was worried that she hadn’t managed to clean. She asked me if I could go to her house to make sure that it was ready for the baby. I went to her house, and worked hard to make sure that it was clean. My daughter was induced and her labour was progressing well. I was absolutely exhausted, I had worked tirelessly to clean her house. I didn’t mean to, but I fell asleep.

I must have fallen asleep at around 2am. At 4.20am I woke suddenly. As I did, I texted my daughters birthing partner to ask ‘how is labour going’ ….. she replied ‘ah I was just about to text you, baby has just been delivered, only just. My grandaughter had came into the world at 4.20am. The same time that I was had woken suddenly

Wake up its time to say goodbye! 

Three months later, my grandmother, who was 93, had been very ill, I had been visiting her every day for the last few days. I was never an early riser, and often woke late. On the 27th October 2011, I had been to visit my grandmother the night before, I had stayed there until 2am, so was very tired by the time I went home and went to bed.

However that morning, I woke at 5.45am. I got up wide awake, and went to the nursing home to see her. I was there just after 6am. I sat with my grandmother, and she died at 7.50am

Feathers appear when angels are near

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I’m from your Guardian Angel
Who’s been assigned to you.
She dropped this in her struggles
As she protected you.

Each time you feel that you’re alone,
Each time you nearly fall
I’m here to remind you:
You’re not alone at all.

~unknown author

I had often read how when your Guardian Angel is close, then you will see a white feather. Sometimes a feather can be left as a sign, called a ‘calling card’. When you see white feathers it means that your guardian angel is close.  It can mean that your prayers have been answered, that you have been helped by your guardian angel.

In January 2010, my daughter Maya was stillborn at full term pregnancy. I saw so many white feathers. A week after she died, i was so confused what i was meant to do with my life, that i arranged a night out. This was probably optimistic, especially as I had a Caesarean section the week before. On the way home in the taxi, a white feather flew horizontally in front of the taxi windscreen. I watched in amazement. After this, for the next year or two, i saw white feathers float past me. I would collect them in a silver heart shaped box, until the box became full.

Life became more difficult, and financially I struggled to make ends meet. Sometimes I didn’t have enough money food. It was a tough time. By 2012, work was strained. I had taken so much time off of work to recover from PTSD caused by the stillbir

Had the angels left a calling card?

th, it was difficult to return. So many bad things had happened, that i had lost my spiritual faith. I never saw feathers anymore. I certainly never collected any in 2012. I felt truly alone and wondered how i would get out of the financial trouble that i was in. It looked likely that i would lose both my job and my home. Then life events occured which meant that asked work for a Compromise Agreement to leave. They agreed. Paid me a years salary.  Enough to clear all of my debts. I waited until the day that I would be paid, it went into my account on 27th October 2012. I had spent the last 2 years and 9 months grieving my daughters death, and making recovery but it was slow. Life felt so empty without her.

The day that I received financial settlement into the bank, i picked up a new dog, a shih tzu called Poppy. She is perfect. I walked into my home with her, now financially secure, at least for a while. There in the middle of my black garden table, was a white feather. I think …. maybe….. that my guardian angel had heard my prayers and had helped me. I paid off my debts and for the first time, my home was no longer at risk. I felt secure. I felt peace. Was it the help of an angel? I don’t know, but it certainly felt that way.

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It’s all about perception

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Life – its all about perception. Life, is exactly how you perceive it to be.

perceptionquotes

My first and biggest lesson of this, was back in 2010. It was June. Early June. My daughter had died at full term pregnancy in January 2010. I had just gone back to work, 16 weeks later.

My work, was working with homeless people. My office was based in a hostel. We worked to provide supported housing to people that were homeless and vulnerable and waiting to be housed by the local council.

I wasn’t looking forward to going back to work. As my child had died and i knew that there would be pregnant women and babies there. But work were kind. They said that I didn’t have to work with those cases and they would allocate me different clients.

All should have been well. But life was still to teach me. My first client was an 86 year old Scottish lady. She had a round smiley face, big glasses, and really reminded me of Mrs Doubtfire.

mrs-doubtfire

Returning to work, was staged, so I wasn’t working full time at first. It was my  last client on my first week back, and I glanced at my watch, it was time for me to go home. My client asked “why are you leaving early?” “Oh, I said, rather hurriedly, I have been off for a while and am working shorter hours for few weeks” I secretly hoped that she would be happy with this answer and I could leave.

Her interest peaked, and I knew she was going to ask me further probing questions. I fidgeted on the spot.  “So, you have been ill?” It felt like more a statement than a question. I could tell that she was looking for further information, but was determined not to tell her. I gave what i thought would be the safest, least complicated answer. “No”, I said with a feigned smile. I thought as fast as I could….. ummm…..”I have had a baby” I blurted out.

Mrs Doubtfire’s face creased into a smile, and she peered at me, pushing her large spectacles further up her nose. “Oh, and how old is your baby?” I froze, what was I to say to this? I paused, and glanced at her. She was waiting for an answer. At that moment, I debated what would I say? I couldn’t now lie. It was true that i had been off because I had a baby. But of course, my daughter was no longer alive.

I weighed it up, and decided to be honest. But that I would just be matter of fact about it. I weighed it up in my head, did I dismiss her? Did I lie? What should I do? So, I decided, to go with it, and tell her. “Well, I said, unfortunately my daughter died”. I honestly didn’t know what else to say, I could hardly say I had a 4 month old little girl. Although that to me, was the reality, I knew that if I said that, then I would be open to further questions. I knew that I could get into trouble for saying this.

She broke into a smile “ah, a miscarriage, i had one of those” she said with a strong Scottish accent. I was slightly offended at this, she didn’t understand. “No, I said, its wasn’t a miscarriage, it was s stillbirth. I was full term, my daughter was 7lb 4oz”. She looked at me slightly puzzled. “Ah, is that what they call it these days? stillbirth, there is a fancy term. Yes, I had one of those”. I thought she still wasn’t quite grasping what I was saying, my child died at FULL TERM, I thought to myself, desperate to get home, and starting to feel quite uncomfortable.

Mrs Doubtfire looked wistfully at a photo of a woman in her 30′s, that stood on her dresser. It was a nice photo, in a frame, a pretty lady with dark hair. She continued, “yes, I had one of those, I was a 21 year old girl, it was 65 years ago. She continued, I was 40 weeks”. I started to pay attention. So, she really did understand…

Her voice quietened, as she continued with her story ‘I knew that there was something wrong, i gave birth to my baby, and I could hear the midwife’s whispering. They said nothing and moved me to a ward. I had been there for three days, people were sat with their babies. Everyone, except me. Then my mum came to see me. She was dressed in her Sunday best. I had been there for three days on my own, she was my first visitor. My mum leant over the bed and whispered ‘so, they told you then’? ‘…….. “whoever she meant by ‘they’ hadn’t but I just nodded my head. This was how i knew that my baby was dead. She said there was no funeral, nobody spoke to her about anything. She didn’t even know what the sex was.

‘Don’t worry she said, you will have another child, I expect a little girl too, to replace the one that you have lost’ I knew that she was probably wrong. I was now 41, and her father had left 6 days after she died. As a single woman this wasn’t very likely. She then moved and picked up the photo in a frame, she looked lovingly at the photo, and stroked the glass with love. I did, she said, ‘this is my daughter Karen” and she handed me the photo in a frame. “I became pregnant with her the year after I lost my baby. She was my only child. Unfortunately, she died at the age of 36. This is her, just before she died”. I looked at the photo of the woman in a frame, and Mrs Doubtfire looked across at me with pride and a nod.

I went home from work that day, knowing that i had learned an important lesson. With my daughter, there had been a big thing. I had held her for days, a dead child. Attended a funeral, she has a grave. She has a name, Maya. Yet my perceptions, despite we had been through identical things, were totally different to the other lady who had lost her full term baby too.

My experiences caused a bond with my daughter, which made losing her incredibly difficult. Dressing her in clothes, arranging a funeral, yes, did make her my daughter, but it immediately made her my dead daughter. I wondered at that point, who had the worse deal? Me who had everything – or this lady, who didn’t even know the sex of her child? I had made so many complaints after my daughter died. Yet this woman, had her baby at full term, and nobody even told her that her child was dead. In fact, nobody told her at all, she had to figure it out for herself.

Our experiences couldn’t have been more different. Yet, they were the same. But, our perceptions were completely different. I wondered at that point, if the way that I had done it was actually harder, more difficult, or whether it was easier? Is it easier to have a grave, is it easier to go through a funeral? Is it easier to hold your dead child for days, and then bury her, when you have never seen her alive? In our efforts to make things better for ourselves, do we actually make things more difficult? This lady, taught me something that day. That no matter what you go through in life, its all about perception.

By Changing Your Thinking
By Unknown

By Changing Your Thinking,
You change your beliefs;

When you change your beliefs,
You change your expectations;

When you change your expectations,
You change your attitude;

When you change your attitude,
You change your behavior;

When you change your behavior,
You change your performance;

When you change your performance;
You Change Your Life!

 

Our death is already planned out…..and as time draws near – we remember!

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I had often thought that our lives are mapped out before us, before we are born. To choose the lessons in life that we need to learn, to grow for the spiritual growth that we need.

death

But what happened at death, I had little knowledge about.

My grandmother was 93 when she became sick in 2011. It was unfortunate, as my own daughter had died the previous year in 2010. Because of this, i had avoided my grandmother. I knew that she worried about me, if things were difficult for me. I loved her very much, and she meant a lot to me and so I didn’t want to be a burden to her.

Because of this, in 2010, and 2011, I called her less often and I saw her less often. This hurt her, but, I was trying to protect her. I didn’t want her to worry about me.

My father had said that my grandmother was sick and in the hospital. But, I couldn’t go. I had severe post traumatic stress disorder, and I couldn’t face hospitals. My grandmother was old skool, of a different generation. To her, babies died, and you got up and got on with it. it happened in her generation all the time.

Shortly before she died, I became concerned, as I was calling her and nobody answered her phone.

This particular day, I was so concerned that she hadn’t answered her phone, and I had tried to call her for more than a week. So, to check that she was ok, I called the manager of the nursing home she was living in. She told me that my grandmother had not been too well. But that they had now moved the phone right next to her bed, and so, if I called then she should pick up. She said that my grandmother had been waiting to hear from me.

My grandmother was the kindest, most caring person that you could ever meet. Everybody loved her. She had a good heart and a good spirit; she had a warm heart and she always made people laugh. This was just her way.  No matter how ill she felt, she always had a good word to say, and was a joy to be around.

And so called her number again, and this time she answered.

But she was different with me. In a way I had never seen before. She wasn’t happy with me at all. She said ‘where have you been, I have been waiting for you’ .  I hadn’t seen her for the last 6 weeks, as I couldn’t face the hospital, and I had some upsetting news, and I didn’t want her to worry about me.

This particular day on the phone, aside from saying ‘where have you been I have been waiting for you’ …. She was short and abrupt with me. She was bad tempered for the first time ever in my life. At the end of the conversation, she paused and then barked at me…. and Nicola, ‘yes’ I said…. ‘dont leave it so long next time’. She was firm. Her words were an order. She was telling me to get there Now.  I couldn’t mistake the urgency in her voice.

The day was Saturday. I was looking after my granddaughter, so I couldn’t go in immediately. The very next morning I went in to see her. It was Sunday. I went with my granddaughter who was a 3 month old baby.

As i sat there, my grandmother was not happy with me. Or at least she just wasn’t herself. I wished that she could understand. I didn’t want her to be upset with me. She was staring to the left hand side of me, I looked at her, and she asked me who was stood next to me? Had she came with me? …. i said who?  Looking around, there was nobody there, she pointed and said a lady with blonde hair. All the time, she was looking around as if she could see people.

I told her that there was nobody there. She said that she must be seeing things.

She then said with a sense of urgency, ‘get Elizabeth’…. who was her daughter, my aunt. My grandmother had two children, my father, and my aunt. She said it with such a sense of urgency that I panicked; i was scared that i would get things wrong.

I went out to the matron’s office and called my aunt. I told her that my grandmother needed her to come in. I came back into my grandmothers room, with her lying so still on her bed and I said to my grandmother, ‘do you want me to call dad’ I feared that she was about to die, and that I would get the blame if she did, if I hadn’t called him.

She looked at me, in a way i had never seen before, and barked at me ‘what’s it got to do with you, it’s nothing to do with you’ ….. I didn’t know what to say. I had never seen my grandmother this way before.

I left and went home. But was quite upset by how she was with me. And i felt sad. I didn’t understand, why was she being this way?

After that Sunday my grandmother went into fast decline. it was like she had been waiting for me. I went to the nursing home every day before work and after work to see her. On the Wednesday night I sat with her holding her hand, until probably 2am, she whispered to me, to go home. I tried to plead with her to please understand. I loved her very much.

I was never an early riser, yet, despite that, I woke at 5.30am the next morning. I was at the nursing home for 6am. There, i sat with her. My father and my brother were there with her when I got there, and they left for work, when my aunt got there.

We sat at either side of her bed and held her hand. I knew that she was suffering and in pain. I didn’t want her to suffer anymore. The manager of the nursing home said that she could be like this for days, she reassured my father before he went to work at 7.30am.

Sitting either sided of her, my aunt was emotional, and begged her not to go ‘please mum, please don’t go’, and ‘please don’t leave us’. I looked at my aunt, and looked at my grandmother.

I knew it was her time to go. I led the way, and said ‘it’s time to go now Nan, it’s time to put on your dancing shoes, to go up there to the greatest ballroom in the sky. Granddad is waiting for you, he is waiting for you to dance’ It’s time to go. My aunt followed my lead, and said ‘it’s time to go mum, go home to les, he is waiting for you’….

And with that, my grandmother died. In a way, it was a beautiful thing. It was like birth but in reverse.  It was 7.50am on Thursday morning. Only 4 days after she had ordered me to come in.

You see, my grandmother had been waiting for me. I think that my grandmother already knew who would be with her when she died. She was old and tired and she was waiting to go home. But, she already knew before she died just how it would be. I thought how she was cross with me, when I said I would call my father. How she barked that it was nothing to do with me. How she asked me to call my aunt, and how she went into decline as soon as I visited. She just knew…..