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Positive thinking – The EASY way!! :)

We often see the words ‘you are what you think’ or ‘change your thinking change your world’, many people look at this, and even post these words on posters on their Facebook wall. They know the words, but quite simply they do not know how to achieve this.

You are responsible for you. There is no ‘fate’ or ‘destiny’ waiting to take you away to a better life. Only you can do this yourself. And if you do nothing, and sit and wait for things to ‘get better’ things will remain the same. Why is this? It is quite simply because your mind and how you think, controls your life.

Life is complicated. And it is made even more complicated by us, as humans. You should simplify your life. Remember, that realistically, we are just thought. When we are in spirit, thought is all that we are. We quite literally are ‘what we think we are’ life is all about perception, how we perceive it to be. Sometimes we get lost and stuck. The reason for this is because we are making life far too complicated.

So, I promised to tell you, the easiest way to achieve positive thinking. It is so simple, that you will kick yourself for not realising it yourself.

You need to realise that there are only two real emotions.

Love
Fear

At this point, you will be ready to argue with me, and say but no, there is this or this or this. I want you to hear me out. Whatever emotion you can think of, EVERY single emotion, will come back to either – love – or fear.

As an example, lets use the word ‘envy’. Envy is fear. Why is envy fear? Envy is fear because we fear that this person has more than we have, we fear that we are not as good as this person, we fear that if this person has so much, there will not be enough for us, we fear that this person is better than us, and therefore this makes us feel insignificant ourselves.

So, how do we change that feeling of envy, which is a negative emotion, into one which is positive? We do it, simply by removing the fear. So if you feel envious or jealous of someone. Remove the fear, replace the fear with love. Get a pen and paper and write it down if it helps.

I want you to get a piece of paper, and write down everything that makes you feel envy for this person Harry. This is fictitious, so, I will say the following:

I am jealous of Harry, he is better looking than me
He has a better job than me, is more successful
He is financially more secure than me
He has a loving caring support unit around him
He is popular

Now take each of those sentences and ask yourself – ‘where is the fear’ write it down.

For example:

I am scared that compared to him, I don’t look as attractive – and he will get all the women.
You fear is that a) you wont look so attractive compared to him and b) you fear that he will get all the women, leaving none for you.

So, what i want you to do now… is change those statements. Remove your fear. Because you are focusing on HIM and not on YOU. I want you to change this statement, and to replace the fear with love – So, for example.

Harry is a good looking guy, he attracts a lot of women, that’s great for me, as he can’t possibly date them all.
He brings quite a few fit women into our circle. Other women are attracted to me, because I hang out with Harry.
I feel great about myself and I know that there are women who will love me for me. If Harry only attracts women who go for looks, well those are not the type i want anyway. And this leaves more for me.
I want a woman who will love me, even when I have woken up early in the morning, after lack of sleep the night before. I want a woman who will never say to me ‘oh what have you done to your hair’

Now try the other examples, take away the fear, and replace it with love. Either use those examples, or choose real situations in your life. Think of things that are causing you anxiety, or stress. Think of something that is making you feel negative. It can be anything at all.

Whatever your situation is, whatever your thinking is, whatever your problem is. Take a piece of paper. Write your problem down on paper. Write down your fear, then remove the fear and replace it with a loving feeling. Replace it with love.

That is the easiest way to think positively. When you think positively you attract positivity into your life. The more positive you have, the more you attract.

It might seem difficult at first, but the more you practice, the easier it will become and soon it will be second nature. And you will attract people towards you, because you will be a happy, positive soul who people love to be around. You will succeed. And you will be happy.

Try it and see!!

A lesson to stop living in the past – and to appreciate what I have today.

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I had moved house at the end of 2009, It was a big move, as I had lived in my old house for 15 years. I owned my old house, and it was our family home. I had spent years complaining that my old house needed repair and that I wanted to move. But found it difficult to sell (I later learned that it was a house number 16, which is a house of karmic debt, but I will write about this at another time)

I moved house to provide a better home for my baby. It’s ironic, that i wouldn’t do this for me. But I would for my baby. To give her a better life. But as I finished the last piece of furniture lovingly placed into the house, my baby died. Right at the end of pregnancy.

So, I was left in a beautiful home – for me.

But, it was rented. It must have been a year later, and I was sat in my house, wishing that i hadn’t sold my house. I had forgotten so many things, and was not feeling grateful for what I now had.

I had felt this way for weeks. I couldn’t shake off the feeling. An old friend contacted me saying that “he was going out for the day, did I want to go with him”? I said, “why not” and agreed to go. In the back of the car, I was complaining how I missed my old house. I had known him for years, and he looked back at me, with a stern look and said “I can’t believe you are moaning about your old house, you complained for years that you wanted to move and get out, as you couldn’t do the repairs”.

I had sold the house to his friend. So, he told me “you haven’t lost a lot, as by the time he did the house up, he didn’t make any money, it brought him no luck as he split with his fiance who he bought the house with, and it took him more than a year to sell” He told me how lucky I was to have sold it. And reminded me that even with specialist skills, he found it difficult to sell.

I did listen to what he had to say, and it had some effect.

Later that day I returned home, and went to the garage. I had boxes in there that still hadn’t been unpacked. In the box, there was a box of CD’s and another box of photographs. I was overjoyed to have my personal possessions back. Things that meant so much to me.

On the top of the box of music, there was two tapes. Only two. I assumed that the rest must have been in the car that was stolen. I brought the tapes into the house. i pressed play…. and was stunned to hear a reading from 2004 with a medium. I could hear me on the tape saying how I wanted to move house, and how unhappy I was. I listened to the tape in amazement, especially after the conversation that morning, and how i had been feeling the past few weeks.

I wondered what was on the second tape. Put it into the stereo and again, pressed play…. and again i was stunned. It was another reading with a medium. In all of my life, I had only ever had two readings, with two mediums on tape. I was almost open mouthed as I listened…. again, there was discussion how much work I had to do on the house, and how I wanted to move. How I so needed help to do the work. And how i needed help to move.

As I sat and I listened, I looked around my beautiful brand new home, and I felt at peace. I had no reason to complain. I had spent years of my life complaining about my home. How I wanted a home which needed no repair. How I had this idea of the perfect house in my head. And… well here I was.

And for the first time in a year, I saw things differently.

I needed a reminder. I needed to be reminded, to be taken back to the past to see, to have value for what I have now. How lucky I am.

From that point onwards. I never again complained about where I live.

A grandfathers spiritual love!!

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We do not, on the earth plane, when contained by our bodies, really appreciate or understand the feeling of someone else’s love.

The only way that we know, is by how someone treats us. By how we feel about ourselves when we are with them. By them telling us that they love us. But we can never actually FEEL their love.

My grandfather had died in 1996. I loved him with all of my heart, and he meant so much to me. 8 years after his death, I had started to attend spiritualist church. To sit in circle and do meditation. In meditation, we go to our secret garden, and here we can meet with spirit.

My grandfather was often there, in the garden. He loved gardening, and I left him to tend to my garden. I was happy for him to be there.

This particular meditation, I sat under a tree in my meditation, in my garden, with my grandfather. It is the only time that this has happened. And what i experienced, I will never forget.

I had been feeling lonely and isolated. And just felt quite lost, and alone in life. As I sat there with my grandfather, I actually FELT his love. I felt it as if he was speaking it. It washed over me. It was an incredible feeling. I FELT HIS LOVE…. a warm sensation of love…. it was like being in love, but it wasn’t my love, it was his love for me, I actually felt it, like somebody throwing it all over me, engulfing me, it felt warm, nice, secure. It was pink….a warm bright pink, it was beautiful, i could see it, sense it feel it. Never have I ever actually felt someone else’s love. I was blown away, for I had no idea that he loved me so much, or so deeply. No words, and no actions he could have offered on this earth plane, had ever let me know just how much.

It made me realise that in spirit, we are love. Our souls are made up of love. And it also made me realise that in spirit, there are no secrets. There are no games. For we can actually feel how someone else feels. I mean really feel it, as if it were my own.

I know, that I can write about this, but it still impossible to explain. Unless you have experienced it yourself. What a gift… just for a short time, to experience that depth of love, from somebody who meant so much to me. I can only imagine it must have took a lot of his energy, as although it meant so much to me, it never happened again.

Maybe, it was enough. He just needed me to know, exactly HOW MUCH he loved me.

It was a very special experience. Something I wish everyone could feel, at least once in this lifetime. And an experience that I will never forget.

How we connect in dreams

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We are all connected. When we sleep, we return home to spirit. In spirit, in our sleep, we agree how we will help each other on the earth plane.

Following stillbirth in January 2010, I had returned back to work at the beginning of June 2010. I returned to work, and people were surprised at how ‘normal’ I seemed. However, the truth was, that I was still in shock, and I hadn’t grieved at all.

Every Tuesday, I continued to go to the spiritualist church and sit in meditation. I think, at the time, for me, I was just going to visit my daughter. I saw this as ‘normal’.

However, a few weeks after starting work, I went to church and was stunned to walk in through the church door, and there in front of me, was a man (who was usually part of the circle), holding a real live baby girl. I stood, and looked, shocked and stunned,tears rolled down my face. I couldn’t believe what i was seeing. I walked out in tears. And when I returned home, I called my mother. I yelled ‘my baby is dead, mum, my baby is dead’. My mum tried to calm me down, it was my very first realisation, that my daughter was actually dead. She wasn’t alive.

It took me a few weeks to gain the courage to return to the church. When I did, I spoke to the person taking the class, and I said, how selfish I thought the man was to bring his live baby girl in, when my daughter was dead. It was the only time that I could see her. He could see his daughter whenever he wanted. I could only see my daughter in meditation. I told her how much it had upset me, and that I cried so much since that day.

The class leader sat across from me, and looked, with a sympathetic face, and simply said ‘but Nikki, he has helped you, you see you have not grieved, and he has done this to help you. One day you will thank him for this. It was kind of him to offer his daughter to help you to grieve’ . I looked at her, and thought that she had gone quite mad. She really didn’t understand.

I asked her to explain further. And she explained how we often meet up in dreams, to help each other. And obviously, he had agreed to offer his daughter, to help me to grieve.

I thought that she was quite mad. I didn’t see how this could be true at all. But later, in my life, other events were to happen, which showed me how we go to spirit in our dreams. She was also right, from that point on, I began to grieve my daughter. 6 months after she had died.

Magpies and dreams

It had taken a lot for me to go into another relationship. For me to trust somebody. It was now the end of July 2010, on the weekend of the 6 month anniversary of my daughters death. The relationship came to an end. I was absolutely devastated. I had decided, because of the way that he had treated me, to have nothing further to do with him.

That night, I sat on my bed in my room, which was at the top of a three storey house. I tried to write a text, to say goodbye, and day turned to night. I wrote text after text, but nothing felt right to send. I kept writing this text, and hours passed. I was suddenly startled by a ‘tap tap tapping’ noise. My concentration was broken, and I looked to see what the noise was. I stared at my bedroom window,where the noise was coming from, and could barely believe my eyes. There was a single magpie tapping its beak at the window. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and stared, it ceased tapping and flew away. I looked at the clock, it was 4am. As I believed that a single magpie was a bad omen, I threw the phone down onto the bed, and decided not to send the text. After all, a single magpie, was bad luck, right?

Whilst I slept, I had the most vivid dream. The person that I was ending the relationship, that I had been writing a text to, was in my dream. His face was so very very vivid, and he held out his hand to me, smiled, and said just the words ‘trust me’. I glanced at my bedside clock, it was 8am. Although I had gone to sleep really angry and upset. I woke up and felt full of love for him. All my anger had gone. I just felt love.

As incident at the spiritualist church, was only a few weeks before, I was pretty stunned. However, my heart sank slightly when I later heard from him, that he had got home from the party at 11am.

‘Ah’ I said aloud to myself, well it couldn’t have been him, as he was out, and didn’t return home until later.

Later that day, I spoke to a friend who was also at the party. And I told her about the dream, but ended the conversation with, ‘well it couldn’t have been him, as he was out until 11am’ ….. ‘but, it felt so real’ I said. My friend was staring back at me.

‘What’? I said. She paused…. ‘Nikki’ she said. ‘It is true, he was out with us, and we didn’t get back until 11am. However, he had gone to sleep in the van, between 4am and 8am, and we were banging on the van window to wake him, we couldn’t wake him and so, yes, at the time you were asleep, so was he’.

I had also gone to sleep at 4am and woke at 8am.

Connecting to others in dreams

A months later, when the relationship once again ended. He had ended it, and said he would never speak to me again. I was once again devastated. I was also confused. As why did he come to me in the dream? Why the magpie tapping at the window, if we were not meant to be together? I was so confused, and so desperately wanted answers. Was he the right man for me, or not? If he wasn’t then why the dream?

So, that night I sat up, and tried to research about how we connect in dreams. But I could find little by using google to search the internet. At 5.30am, I was tired and fell asleep. Before I went to sleep, I said to aloud ‘Dear Angels, if it is true about our connections in dreams, please take me to HIM in my dream’.

I woke at 8am the next morning, and glanced at my phone. And there were 8 texts. Bleary eyed, I opened the messages. I was left open mouthed, by what I was reading. 8 texts had been left by him.

‘Please contact me, I have had the most vivid dream last night’

‘You were in my dream last night, me and you, there was a house, and a church, and we were so happy, we were going to get married’

‘I love you, I am so sorry I hurt you. You are the right person for me’

‘I can’t believe this dream, you were right in front of me, it felt so real’

All 8 texts said things of a similar nature. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. As I knew that he didn’t know that I had asked the angels to take me to him in my dreams.

Wake up a baby is born!

8 months after my daughter died, my daughter became pregnant with a little girl. She was born in July 2011. My daughter didn’t want me at the birth. She felt it would be easier if I wasn’t there. I was upset by this, but respected her wishes, as I knew that my own daughter had died the year before in the same maternity ward.

My daughter had been sick in pregnancy, and had been on crutches. She was worried that she hadn’t managed to clean. She asked me if I could go to her house to make sure that it was ready for the baby. I went to her house, and worked hard to make sure that it was clean. My daughter was induced and her labour was progressing well. I was absolutely exhausted, I had worked tirelessly to clean her house. I didn’t mean to, but I fell asleep.

I must have fallen asleep at around 2am. At 4.20am I woke suddenly. As I did, I texted my daughters birthing partner to ask ‘how is labour going’ ….. she replied ‘ah I was just about to text you, baby has just been delivered, only just. My grandaughter had came into the world at 4.20am. The same time that I was had woken suddenly

Wake up its time to say goodbye!

Three months later, my grandmother, who was 93, had been very ill, I had been visiting her every day for the last few days. I was never an early riser, and often woke late. On the 27th October 2011, I had been to visit my grandmother the night before, I had stayed there until 2am, so was very tired by the time I went home and went to bed.

However that morning, I woke at 5.45am. I got up wide awake, and went to the nursing home to see her. I was there just after 6am. I sat with my grandmother, and she died at 7.50am

Feathers appear when angels are near

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I’m from your Guardian Angel
Who’s been assigned to you.
She dropped this in her struggles
As she protected you.

Each time you feel that you’re alone,
Each time you nearly fall
I’m here to remind you:
You’re not alone at all.

~unknown author

I had often read how when your Guardian Angel is close, then you will see a white feather. Sometimes a feather can be left as a sign, called a ‘calling card’. When you see white feathers it means that your guardian angel is close. It can mean that your prayers have been answered, that you have been helped by your guardian angel.

In January 2010, my daughter Maya was stillborn at full term pregnancy. I saw so many white feathers. A week after she died, i was so confused what i was meant to do with my life, that i arranged a night out. This was probably optimistic, especially as I had a Caesarean section the week before. On the way home in the taxi, a white feather flew horizontally in front of the taxi windscreen. I watched in amazement. After this, for the next year or two, i saw white feathers float past me. I would collect them in a silver heart shaped box, until the box became full.

Life became more difficult, and financially I struggled to make ends meet. Sometimes I didn’t have enough money food. It was a tough time. By 2012, work was strained. I had taken so much time off of work to recover from PTSD caused by the stillbir

Had the angels left a calling card?

th, it was difficult to return. So many bad things had happened, that i had lost my spiritual faith. I never saw feathers anymore. I certainly never collected any in 2012. I felt truly alone and wondered how i would get out of the financial trouble that i was in. It looked likely that i would lose both my job and my home. Then life events occured which meant that asked work for a Compromise Agreement to leave. They agreed. Paid me a years salary. Enough to clear all of my debts. I waited until the day that I would be paid, it went into my account on 27th October 2012. I had spent the last 2 years and 9 months grieving my daughters death, and making recovery but it was slow. Life felt so empty without her.

The day that I received financial settlement into the bank, i picked up a new dog, a shih tzu called Poppy. She is perfect. I walked into my home with her, now financially secure, at least for a while. There in the middle of my black garden table, was a white feather. I think …. maybe….. that my guardian angel had heard my prayers and had helped me. I paid off my debts and for the first time, my home was no longer at risk. I felt secure. I felt peace. Was it the help of an angel? I don’t know, but it certainly felt that way.

It’s all about perception

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Life – its all about perception. Life, is exactly how you perceive it to be.

My first and biggest lesson of this, was back in 2010. It was June. Early June. My daughter had died at full term pregnancy in January 2010. I had just gone back to work, 16 weeks later.

My work, was working with homeless people. My office was based in a hostel. We worked to provide supported housing to people that were homeless and vulnerable and waiting to be housed by the local council.

I wasn’t looking forward to going back to work. As my child had died and i knew that there would be pregnant women and babies there. But work were kind. They said that I didn’t have to work with those cases and they would allocate me different clients.

All should have been well. But life was still to teach me. My first client was an 86 year old Scottish lady. She had a round smiley face, big glasses, and really reminded me of Mrs Doubtfire.

Returning to work, was staged, so I wasn’t working full time at first. It was my last client on my first week back, and I glanced at my watch, it was time for me to go home. My client asked “why are you leaving early?” “Oh, I said, rather hurriedly, I have been off for a while and am working shorter hours for few weeks” I secretly hoped that she would be happy with this answer and I could leave.

Her interest peaked, and I knew she was going to ask me further probing questions. I fidgeted on the spot. “So, you have been ill?” It felt like more a statement than a question. I could tell that she was looking for further information, but was determined not to tell her. I gave what i thought would be the safest, least complicated answer. “No”, I said with a feigned smile. I thought as fast as I could….. ummm…..”I have had a baby” I blurted out.

Mrs Doubtfire’s face creased into a smile, and she peered at me, pushing her large spectacles further up her nose. “Oh, and how old is your baby?” I froze, what was I to say to this? I paused, and glanced at her. She was waiting for an answer. At that moment, I debated what would I say? I couldn’t now lie. It was true that i had been off because I had a baby. But of course, my daughter was no longer alive.

I weighed it up, and decided to be honest. But that I would just be matter of fact about it. I weighed it up in my head, did I dismiss her? Did I lie? What should I do? So, I decided, to go with it, and tell her. “Well, I said, unfortunately my daughter died”. I honestly didn’t know what else to say, I could hardly say I had a 4 month old little girl. Although that to me, was the reality, I knew that if I said that, then I would be open to further questions. I knew that I could get into trouble for saying this.

She broke into a smile “ah, a miscarriage, i had one of those” she said with a strong Scottish accent. I was slightly offended at this, she didn’t understand. “No, I said, its wasn’t a miscarriage, it was s stillbirth. I was full term, my daughter was 7lb 4oz”. She looked at me slightly puzzled. “Ah, is that what they call it these days? stillbirth, there is a fancy term. Yes, I had one of those”. I thought she still wasn’t quite grasping what I was saying, my child died at FULL TERM, I thought to myself, desperate to get home, and starting to feel quite uncomfortable.

Mrs Doubtfire looked wistfully at a photo of a woman in her 30′s, that stood on her dresser. It was a nice photo, in a frame, a pretty lady with dark hair. She continued, “yes, I had one of those, I was a 21 year old girl, it was 65 years ago. She continued, I was 40 weeks”. I started to pay attention. So, she really did understand…

Her voice quietened, as she continued with her story ‘I knew that there was something wrong, i gave birth to my baby, and I could hear the midwife’s whispering. They said nothing and moved me to a ward. I had been there for three days, people were sat with their babies. Everyone, except me. Then my mum came to see me. She was dressed in her Sunday best. I had been there for three days on my own, she was my first visitor. My mum leant over the bed and whispered ‘so, they told you then’? ‘…….. “whoever she meant by ‘they’ hadn’t but I just nodded my head. This was how i knew that my baby was dead. She said there was no funeral, nobody spoke to her about anything. She didn’t even know what the sex was.

‘Don’t worry she said, you will have another child, I expect a little girl too, to replace the one that you have lost’ I knew that she was probably wrong. I was now 41, and her father had left 6 days after she died. As a single woman this wasn’t very likely. She then moved and picked up the photo in a frame, she looked lovingly at the photo, and stroked the glass with love. I did, she said, ‘this is my daughter Karen” and she handed me the photo in a frame. “I became pregnant with her the year after I lost my baby. She was my only child. Unfortunately, she died at the age of 36. This is her, just before she died”. I looked at the photo of the woman in a frame, and Mrs Doubtfire looked across at me with pride and a nod.

I went home from work that day, knowing that i had learned an important lesson. With my daughter, there had been a big thing. I had held her for days, a dead child. Attended a funeral, she has a grave. She has a name, Maya. Yet my perceptions, despite we had been through identical things, were totally different to the other lady who had lost her full term baby too.

My experiences caused a bond with my daughter, which made losing her incredibly difficult. Dressing her in clothes, arranging a funeral, yes, did make her my daughter, but it immediately made her my dead daughter. I wondered at that point, who had the worse deal? Me who had everything – or this lady, who didn’t even know the sex of her child? I had made so many complaints after my daughter died. Yet this woman, had her baby at full term, and nobody even told her that her child was dead. In fact, nobody told her at all, she had to figure it out for herself.

Our experiences couldn’t have been more different. Yet, they were the same. But, our perceptions were completely different. I wondered at that point, if the way that I had done it was actually harder, more difficult, or whether it was easier? Is it easier to have a grave, is it easier to go through a funeral? Is it easier to hold your dead child for days, and then bury her, when you have never seen her alive? In our efforts to make things better for ourselves, do we actually make things more difficult? This lady, taught me something that day. That no matter what you go through in life, its all about perception.

By Changing Your Thinking
By Unknown

By Changing Your Thinking,
You change your beliefs;

When you change your beliefs,
You change your expectations;

When you change your expectations,
You change your attitude;

When you change your attitude,
You change your behavior;

When you change your behavior,
You change your performance;

When you change your performance;
You Change Your Life!

Our death is already planned out…..and as time draws near – we remember!

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I had often thought that our lives are mapped out before us, before we are born. To choose the lessons in life that we need to learn, to grow for the spiritual growth that we need.

But what happened at death, I had little knowledge about.

My grandmother was 93 when she became sick in 2011. It was unfortunate, as my own daughter had died the previous year in 2010. Because of this, i had avoided my grandmother. I knew that she worried about me, if things were difficult for me. I loved her very much, and she meant a lot to me and so I didn’t want to be a burden to her.

Because of this, in 2010, and 2011, I called her less often and I saw her less often. This hurt her, but, I was trying to protect her. I didn’t want her to worry about me.

My father had said that my grandmother was sick and in the hospital. But, I couldn’t go. I had severe post traumatic stress disorder, and I couldn’t face hospitals. My grandmother was old skool, of a different generation. To her, babies died, and you got up and got on with it. it happened in her generation all the time.

Shortly before she died, I became concerned, as I was calling her and nobody answered her phone.

This particular day, I was so concerned that she hadn’t answered her phone, and I had tried to call her for more than a week. So, to check that she was ok, I called the manager of the nursing home she was living in. She told me that my grandmother had not been too well. But that they had now moved the phone right next to her bed, and so, if I called then she should pick up. She said that my grandmother had been waiting to hear from me.

My grandmother was the kindest, most caring person that you could ever meet. Everybody loved her. She had a good heart and a good spirit; she had a warm heart and she always made people laugh. This was just her way. No matter how ill she felt, she always had a good word to say, and was a joy to be around.

And so called her number again, and this time she answered.

But she was different with me. In a way I had never seen before. She wasn’t happy with me at all. She said ‘where have you been, I have been waiting for you’ . I hadn’t seen her for the last 6 weeks, as I couldn’t face the hospital, and I had some upsetting news, and I didn’t want her to worry about me.

This particular day on the phone, aside from saying ‘where have you been I have been waiting for you’ …. She was short and abrupt with me. She was bad tempered for the first time ever in my life. At the end of the conversation, she paused and then barked at me…. and Nicola, ‘yes’ I said…. ‘dont leave it so long next time’. She was firm. Her words were an order. She was telling me to get there Now. I couldn’t mistake the urgency in her voice.

The day was Saturday. I was looking after my granddaughter, so I couldn’t go in immediately. The very next morning I went in to see her. It was Sunday. I went with my granddaughter who was a 3 month old baby.

As i sat there, my grandmother was not happy with me. Or at least she just wasn’t herself. I wished that she could understand. I didn’t want her to be upset with me. She was staring to the left hand side of me, I looked at her, and she asked me who was stood next to me? Had she came with me? …. i said who? Looking around, there was nobody there, she pointed and said a lady with blonde hair. All the time, she was looking around as if she could see people.

I told her that there was nobody there. She said that she must be seeing things.

She then said with a sense of urgency, ‘get Elizabeth’…. who was her daughter, my aunt. My grandmother had two children, my father, and my aunt. She said it with such a sense of urgency that I panicked; i was scared that i would get things wrong.

I went out to the matron’s office and called my aunt. I told her that my grandmother needed her to come in. I came back into my grandmothers room, with her lying so still on her bed and I said to my grandmother, ‘do you want me to call dad’ I feared that she was about to die, and that I would get the blame if she did, if I hadn’t called him.

She looked at me, in a way i had never seen before, and barked at me ‘what’s it got to do with you, it’s nothing to do with you’ ….. I didn’t know what to say. I had never seen my grandmother this way before.

I left and went home. But was quite upset by how she was with me. And i felt sad. I didn’t understand, why was she being this way?

After that Sunday my grandmother went into fast decline. it was like she had been waiting for me. I went to the nursing home every day before work and after work to see her. On the Wednesday night I sat with her holding her hand, until probably 2am, she whispered to me, to go home. I tried to plead with her to please understand. I loved her very much.

I was never an early riser, yet, despite that, I woke at 5.30am the next morning. I was at the nursing home for 6am. There, i sat with her. My father and my brother were there with her when I got there, and they left for work, when my aunt got there.

We sat at either side of her bed and held her hand. I knew that she was suffering and in pain. I didn’t want her to suffer anymore. The manager of the nursing home said that she could be like this for days, she reassured my father before he went to work at 7.30am.

Sitting either sided of her, my aunt was emotional, and begged her not to go ‘please mum, please don’t go’, and ‘please don’t leave us’. I looked at my aunt, and looked at my grandmother.

I knew it was her time to go. I led the way, and said ‘it’s time to go now Nan, it’s time to put on your dancing shoes, to go up there to the greatest ballroom in the sky. Granddad is waiting for you, he is waiting for you to dance’ It’s time to go. My aunt followed my lead, and said ‘it’s time to go mum, go home to les, he is waiting for you’….

And with that, my grandmother died. In a way, it was a beautiful thing. It was like birth but in reverse. It was 7.50am on Thursday morning. Only 4 days after she had ordered me to come in.

You see, my grandmother had been waiting for me. I think that my grandmother already knew who would be with her when she died. She was old and tired and she was waiting to go home. But, she already knew before she died just how it would be. I thought how she was cross with me, when I said I would call my father. How she barked that it was nothing to do with me. How she asked me to call my aunt, and how she went into decline as soon as I visited. She just knew…..